


If my life was a song

by reemusluupin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Artist Sirius Black, Domestic Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay Sirius Black, Heartbreak, Hurt Remus Lupin, Multi, Musician Remus Lupin, Musicians, Mutual Pining, Platonic Relationships, Remus Lupin & James Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus Lupin has Self-Esteem Issues, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Slow Burn, gilderoy lockhart is a bitch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:07:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26068441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reemusluupin/pseuds/reemusluupin
Summary: Remus Lupin has always had a rough time with his anxiety, but everything takes a turn for the worst when he is eventually hospitalised by his abusive partner (Fenrir Greyback). Remus' escape from his anxiety has always been piano, the way his body relaxes into the sound. He writes songs to help deal with the trauma, but falls in love with one of his best friends, Sirius Black, along the way.
Relationships: Fenrir Greyback/Remus Lupin, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Gilderoy Lockhart, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 23
Kudos: 58





	1. The Start.

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter! My first ever fic, so please leave any tips/constructive criticism for me to read. Also if you see any mistakes, or if I have missed any trigger warnings, please let me know!
> 
> tw: Domestic abuse, detailed violence, suicidal thoughts, mentions of hospitalisation, mentions of anxiety/panic attacks.

The only thing Remus could remember from that night was the feeling of the blood spilling out of him, the screaming, the sounds of sirens in the distance, the sound of things being thrown, broken, including himself. But the worst? The feeling that he deserved every second of it.

He could feel himself drifting in and out of consciousness, he could hear voices, muffled, but they were there. He couldn’t make out how many there were, but it made him feel panicked, he couldn’t open his eyes, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t feel. He felt his heart rate increasing, forgetting how to breathe, until he heard them. Four voices, voices he knew all too well.

“-ucking dickhea--ait until I see him I swea--beat his ass!” Remus could hear the anger in the voice, but could hear how the person was fighting back sobs from escaping. Sirius. He knew it straight away, his cocky, ambitious, _unbelievably gorgeous,_ best friend since he could remember. The person that could always comfort Remus like no one else could, the way his gentle hands always circled the right area of Remus' body. He immediately felt all panic drain from his body, but then all he could feel was pain. He tried to scream, shout, anything.

“-e’re all fucking worri--ot what he needs right now!” Now this voice didn’t even try to hide the sobs, the voice cracked at almost every word. Always the worrier of the group. James. The boy who welcomes anyone with open arms, cares more about others well being than his own. An irreplaceable presence in Remus’ life. But he knew the situation must be bad, he has never, in his life, heard James Potter _cry._

“Re?--ome on lov--ay somethi-” A more comforting voice spoke, a voice that always seemed to make him feel loved, like he _deserved_ to be loved, the voice was quiet, almost a whisper. Lily. The friend he could go to for anything, at any time of the day. She was like a sister to Remus. The pain in her voice made him panic, and even guilt rise in his chest, was she in pain because of him? Maybe he did deserve what he got.

“-hit--shit, shit, shit!” This voice was definitely panicked, stumbling over one word, trembling. A voice Remus knew didn’t know how to deal with any difficult situation, a voice that in a fight or flight situation, would most definitely pick flight. Peter. Maybe not the bravest of them all, but a fierce friend, one who would always be there for you, let you know that you, in fact, _are_ good enough.

He tried, he really did, but then he felt himself giving up, fading away, just like the voices around him. He didn’t have it in him to keep fighting, it wasn’t worth it, not after what happened that night. He knew this is what was supposed to happen. Their lives would be easier without him, the friend with all the problems, being with him was like babysitting. Remus Lupin deserved to die.

***

“-eah I’ll wait here until he wakes up, go home love, get some rest.”

Remus felt like a ton of bricks, everything felt heavy, like he wasn’t in control of his body, or like he was just a statue, made to lie there forever. He slowly opened his eyes, just a little, with immediate regret. The light inside the room made his eyes burn, like he was opening his eyes for the first time again. Remus tried to move, to sit up, but then a burst of sharp pain shot up his sides, his back, straight to his head, feeling almost as if he was going to pass out again. He felt like the walls were closing in on him, almost as if he was suffocating. He could feel it starting to get harder and harder to breathe, feeling of plastic against his mouth and throat, all of his senses being overwhelmed

“Oh! No, stop, Re love, calm down, lay back down for me.” Remus opened his eyes a little wider to take in the sight, the familiar face of a young, beautiful, red head. Green eyes full of worry, he could even make out the slight pain from the furrow in between her eyebrows. He didn’t even realise the tears were falling from his eyes until her soft gentle thumbs rubbing them away, if felt comforting, of course it did, but it made it all come out. He felt his whole body shaking with sobs, cries, silent screams. He broke down completely, unable to stop the flow of tears from running, his breathing shallow and shaky, he was _broken_ inside and out.

“Oh my god, I’m so, so sorry Remus, it’s okay, you’re safe now, I’ve got you, I’m here.” Lily’s voice was hushed, so not to panic Remus, she holds back the tears fighting back in her own eyes, for him, but Remus can see her pain all too well. He starts to feel the itching of the IV drip in his arm and reaches for it in an attempt to rip it out, but one other hand was quicker. “I’m sorry love, that needs to stay, I know, I know, shhh, I’m right here.” Lily starts threading her fingers through Remus’ hair, brushing the curly, caramel locks from his forehead. The familiar touch from her eventually returns his breathing to a normal pace, some of the worry disappearing from her face, the pain of seeing him like this, in this state, all too prominent.

She reaches for her phone, hands still slightly shaky “I’m going to message the boys, let them know you’re awake, okay Re?” He was slightly hesitant, he didn’t know if he would be able to deal with all of them seeing him, seeing him like _this_. He felt pathetic, worthless, half wishing he didn’t wake up. Though these thoughts swam in his head, he couldn’t bring himself to say no. He gave the redhead a powerless, subtle nod, before returning his view to the dull, hospital room ceiling, feeling himself drift back to sleep.

***

_“Where the FUCK have you been?!” The voice rippled through the air, deep, like a grumble, a howl, as if it came from a werewolf. “I- I’m sorry, I was just at the library writing-” A harsh hit down onto the floor, stopping him mid-sentence. He could feel his jaw move completely out of place, letting out a small scream._

_“Don’t lie to me Remus, you know I’ll always find out. You were with_ **_them_ ** _, weren’t you? Those fuckwits.” He spat out the word ‘them’ as though it were poison. “I told you where I was, and don’t talk about them like they’re some sort of scum!” A hard kick to his gut from Fenrir sent him into the nearby wall, the glass mantlepiece coming down on top of him, shattering against him. Remus let out groans of pain as he reached for his stomach, feeling as though all the wind had been knocked out of him._

_Wheezing, Remus coughed, blood spilling out of his mouth onto the rug below him, earning him a blow to his head, a heavy boot smashing against his skull. “That was a fucking expensive rug twat, you’ll pay for that, you fucking peasent.” Remus didn’t have any time to reply before he was thrown back against the wall, being hit with any nearby objects Fenrir could get his hands on. One of those objects being a nearby shard of glass from the previously broken mantelpiece._

_Fenrir started ripping into any part of Remus’ body he could get a hold of, his arms, legs, neck, face, eventually making blows right into his abdomen with the razor sharp glass, causing Remus to shriek in pain. He could feel every rip, every tear, getting deeper and deeper. A blow to the top of his head sending him down to the ground, resulting in being unable to move, a blood-curdling screech escaping from his lips._

_A continuous knocking at the door caused the hits to stop, but a hand clasped around his mouth before he could scream for help. “You stay fucking quiet, you have no idea how much worse I can do to you, bitch.” Fenrir gave one last swift kick to his face, almost knocking him out completely. Remus was too much aware of the blood pouring out of every part of his body, he didn’t have any strength left in him to move, open his eyes, or even scream._

_He only had the power to lie there, listen to every little movement around him. He could hear Fenrir’s loud and heavy stomps to the door, getting quieter the further away, until they became barely audible. Remus listened as the locks on the front door of their flat, “What?” He could hear the spite in Fenrir’s voice. “We have had some complaints from nearby residents, they mentioned harsh shouting, screaming and some louding banging?” The voice was stern, but concerned. “There must be a mistake officer, maybe you have the wrong apartment? Just myself tonight.” Fenrir transformed his voice into one of charm, as if he didn’t have a man, dying just around the corner of the hallway. He shut the door firmly and locked it once again, and Remus could hear the footsteps approaching his limp body._

_“You’ve really done it this time, trying to get me fucking arrested, huh?” Fenrir growled at Remus, stomping his foot down onto Remus’ leg, making him let out a cry of pain, which rang through the air._

_What Fenrir didn’t seem to notice was that the officer had decided to stay at the door, suspicious of his behaviour. Remus could hear the door being knocked open as the officer came round the corner. He felt weight being lifted from his body as Fenrir was pinned to the ground by the police officer. The police had Fenrir pinned with one hand, reaching for the radio on his shoulder with the other, “ Officer Shacklebolt requesting medical backup, severe domestic violence case, victim in critical condition.”, his voice was loud, clear. Remus could make out some static on the radio, an almost instant reply that he couldn’t quite make out as everything around him became muffled, a ringing in his ears, until everything went black._

_***_

Sirius couldn’t keep his eyes off the TV, he could feel the rage building up inside him, wanting to smash and break everything within a 10 foot radius. “Just last week, 31 year old Fenrir Greyback was arrested for a severe case in domestic abuse. Officer Shacklebolt discovered Greyback with the victim in his apartment in Alfriston, East Sussex, around 11pm Thursday night. The victim is currently in critical condition, ventilated and comatose in Eastbourne District General Hospital.” The woman’s calm, but sincere voice rang through his ears, resting his head in his hands, basically ripping at his hair. Sirius couldn’t believe he let this happen, to Remus of all people. He felt so fucking stupid. When he thinks back all the red flags pop up. All the phone calls that were cut short, Remus’ slight flinch whenever anyone touched him, the mysterious bruises that would appear, but don’t worry he was just ‘being clumsy’.

Sirius could have screamed, in fact, he did, a lot. He remembers the phone call, the way everything in the present time disappeared, how he looked into James’ eyes, and how the phone in his hand dropped to the floor and Sirius with it. He remembers the way James’ arms wrapped around him, begging him to explain what the phone call was about. He remembers the exact words of the woman on the phone, _“You are down as Remus Lupin’s emergency contact. He has been transferred to Eastbourne District General Hospital, he’s been brought in with life threatening injuries to vital organs, and has taken severe blows to the head. He will be taken into surgery immediately to try and stabilize him. You can either make your way down to the hospital or we can keep you updated.”_

His train of thought stopped as James burst into the living room, panic, but relief in his expression, “Sirius mate, come on, we’ve got to get to the hospital, it’s Remus, he’s awake. Peter’s already on his way there.” Sirius didn’t need any further convincing.

***

Remus felt his whole body jolt awake as the nightmare of the previous events rang through his head. He felt the panic rising in his chest, his breathing becoming quicker, feeling restricted. Until a hand rests on top of his, their fingers intertwining, “Hey, hey, Remus, it’s okay, we’re right here, it’s me, Sirius.” Remus knew the action was supposed to be comforting, but when he looked into Sirius’ eyes, the way they looked drained, the bags underneath them. He knew when Sirius didn’t sleep, when he didn’t eat, but Remus hates feeling like it was because of _him_. He felt his chest close up as sobs failed to escape due to the plastic tube inside of him, the only reason he’s currently able to breathe. He only knew his panic was visible when his vision went blurry due to the tears welling up in his eyes. He couldn’t help them from streaming down his face. They flowed even harder when he saw Sirius’ own eyes start to go glassy.

“Re, I’m so, so sorry, fuck. This is fucking awful, I should’ve noticed, I should’ve been there, fuck. Im-” Sirius voice broke at the last word, making Remus’ heart clench from pain. He shook his head as he closed his eyes. Remus felt so fucking guilty. He shouldn’t have let it get to this level, he shouldn’t have let his friends get hurt, because of _him_. He lightly squeezed Sirius’ hand, trying to reassure him as best he could. Until Remus caught sight of a mop of hair behind Sirius, his hazel eyes behind thick rimmed glasses. His eyes held so much emotion, sincerity, worry but they were caring. James put a comforting hand on Sirius’ shoulder, “Pads, it wasn’t your fault,” James let out the words Remus couldn’t due to the ventilator, James looked into Remus’ eyes, as if he could see right into his train of thought, “It wasn’t anyone’s fault, only his.” Remus shook his head, eyes full of pain and regret, but mostly guilt, his mind was telling him that James was only saying it to make him feel better, to give him some hope, but Remus felt the opposite.

“No, Remus. Stop that _right now._ Don’t you _dare_ blame this on yourself, Remus John Lupin. Do you hear me? You cannot put this on yourself, you were _manipulated,_ this is not. Your. Fault. Okay?” James’ eyes were full of determination, he always was the mother hen of the group, always knew what others were thinking. Remus waited for the tears in his eyes to fade before he gave a small, fragile nod. James let a small smile settle on his lips as he leant down and pressed a kiss to Remus’ forehead.

He looked as someone entered the hospital room, carrying a bag full of chocolate, “Moony! You’re awake!” Peter dropped the bag on the nearby chair, sitting by the door. Peter’s light hearted tone was exactly what Remus needed, he felt his worry fade and the tension in his shoulders release as Sirius intertwined their fingers once again, making Remus’ heart skip a beat. “I got you some chocolate, but knowing you mate it’ll be gone by tomorrow.” Peter sank down in the seat on the other side of Remus and gave him a gentle smirk.

About 10 minutes ago Remus felt like he was worthless, like no one could ever care for him, like he could never be loved. But now, with his best friends surrounding him, he felt nothing but pure fondness for the people in the room. They are the reason Remus Lupin keeps himself alive.

  
  



	2. Moral Of The Story.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time we get to see Remus play and sing! The song lyrics are in Italics, I recommend listening along to the song while reading the lines, it really is so much more effective. :)
> 
> Song: Moral of the story by Ashe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: Anxiety attacks, mentions of physical scarring, self esteem issues 
> 
> Enjoy! Make sure to leave any comments and let me know if I've missed any triggers. <3

Remus felt a lot of things in this current moment, tired, drained, both mentally and physically. But the biggest was relief. He watched as James shoved Remus’ bags into the boot of his car, with struggle, of course, but he got there eventually. James turned to him, a smile resting on his features, “Ready mate? Time to get you back home.” Remus flinched at the word home, he thought back to the flat he used to live in, feeling his chest clench. He could remember all the fights, the arguments. He could feel his breaths becoming shallower as he remembers the incident. He was so deep in worry and panic that he didn’t realise James infront of him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, eyes full of concern.

“Your  _ real _ home, that place was not home. You’re going to come and stay with me and Lily, she’s already had your stuff moved into the guest bedroom, _your_ bedroom.” Remus was stopped before he even had the chance to open his mouth to protest, “No Moons, you’re staying with us, I know you’re not okay, and it’s probably going to be a long time until you are. I can see right through you Remus. You’re not a chore, or a burden, we  _ love _ you, you’re part of our family.” All Remus could do in that moment was envelope James in a tight hug. He was so thankful for him, everything he’s helped him through in these past 5 weeks. He was at the hospital everyday without fail, along with Sirius, who made sure Remus always had everything he needed, wether that be a cup of tea, bars of chocolate, or a comforting hand in his own. Peter was there at least 4 times a week, even though he had an extensive uni course, he always found time. Lily was always there, whenever he woke up in the morning, in the middle of the night, or even when he couldn't sleep. He owed his life to his friends.

The care ride to James and Lily’s apartment was short, but rough. It had been over a month since Remus had seen anything outside the walls of the hospital, but he was more than happy to get out. He breathed in the last of the summer air through the open car window, feeling the fresh air course through his veins. He misses the fresh air, the air he felt back in school with all his friends, running through fields. Or the air late at night that would soar through his hair on the motorbike, his arms wrapped round Sirius' waist. He misses how everything used to be.

James pulled up into the car park of his apartment complex, reversing into his usual spot. Remus grabbed his bags, wincing as he slugged them over his still fragile and frail shoulders. James raised an eyebrow at Remus, be he just waved him off.

Remus followed James up to his apartment, walking behind him as he opened the already unlocked door. As soon as Remus set foot in his apartment he could smell fresh cooking filling the air. James and Lily lived in a luxury apartment just outside of central London, James’ family was wealthy to say the least, his father owned a law firm which James himself worked at, hence the reason he was able to get so much time off while Remus was in the hospital. The apartment had a great big lounge with the comfiest L shaped sofa, a modern decorated home, but cozy, and felt lived in at the same time. The kitchen was large and had counters with marble countertops, and a massive island in the middle. It was a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment, so really had plenty of space for Remus, but he still felt as though he were intruding slightly. 

James entered the kitchen and he was surprised to see more than one familiar face, “Hello, people that don’t live here, just, make yourself comfortable.” James raised an eyebrow at Sirius who was sitting on the kitchen counter, swinging his legs, sticking his tongue out at James, then to Peter who was sitting at the table, textbooks and papers surrounding him, not paying him a second notice. “Wormy’s a bit busy mate, stressing about his grades, what’s new.” James practically skipped over to Lily who was working at the stove, stirring away, pressing a gentle kiss to his fiance's cheek.

Remus’ felt his chest swell as he heard his voice, he left his bags by the door and followed the voices. He stopped at the doorway, leaning against the doorframe, watching his friends with a relaxed smile. This was  _ his  _ home.

Sirius turned his attention towards the doorway and made eye contact with Remus, immediately jumping off the countertop and leaped into his arms, “Moony! You’re home, finally out of that depressing shitehole.” Remus chuckled as Sirius flung his arms around his waist, Remus flinching in pain as Sirius made contact with his still tender abdomen. Sirius let go of Remus as soon as he realised what he had done, “Oh my god, did I hurt you? Are you okay? God, I’m sorry Remu-” Sirius’ sentence was cut short as Remus just pulled Sirius back in, wrapping his arms around his shoulders.

“God, you are such a baby, honestly.” Remus laughed with a playful tone in his voice. Sirius just let his head fall against Remus’ shoulder. Remus towered over Sirius, the height difference honestly laughable at this point, but neither of them cared.

“If you two are finished melting into each other,” Lily said with a joking tone, eyeing them both with an amused expression, which made Remus feel a flush rise to his cheeks as he didn’t realise how long they were standing there for, “then I would love to get some  _ real _ food flowing through your body, Remus Lupin.”

Remus chuckled as Lily pushed him down into a chair, a full breakfast plate placed down in front of him, “Yeah sure, thanks mum.” Remus joked, earning a playful swat to the arm from Lily, “You really think I wouldn’t notice you literally living off of chocolate for over a  _ month?!”  _ Remus looked at her with a guilty expression upon his features, feeling bad for making her worry, “Eat up, love.” She gave him a fond smile and kiss to his temple. 

“It’s good to have you home mate.” Peter eventually looked up from his textbooks, patting Remus’ hand from across the table, his usual grin plastered on his face.

_ It’s good to be home,  _ Remus thought to himself as he dug into his fresh eggs and bacon.

***

That night Sirius decided to stay over, since it was Remus’ first night out of the hospital, he knew what Remus’ anxiety was like. He tried to hide it from them, Sirius knew he did. He remembers all the attacks he had at school, during the night, waking up, shaking, not having any idea where he was. He remembers having to calm Remus down, scared that he was going to give himself a heart attack. He remembers all the nights spent in each other’s beds in their dorm, the way Sirius would wrap his arms around Remus’ waist to let them know he was there.

Sirius knew Remus like the back of his own hand. Every time he thought about what he must’ve gone through, for  _ three years _ , with  _ him.  _ It made Sirius feel like he was going to chuck, he knew what it was like to be manipulated, used, thrown away, like he was some sort of toy.

Sirius settled himself into the spare room down the hall from Remus’ room, Sirius practically lived there anyway, he preferred being with people than being alone with his thoughts. Sirius chucked on a pair of James’ joggers along with his Queen band t-shirt he had been wearing that day. He slipped the hair tie off his wrist and put his hair up in a bun, some pieces of his hair flying away around his features. He lay down into the bed, staring into the ceiling, he wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep, not with the image of Remus in the hospital, on life support, not breathing by himself. Sirius thinks back to the first night he visited Remus, the night it happened. Remus didn’t get out of surgery until around 4am, but Sirius waited. When he had been allowed to see Remus, he remembers the pain of his heart clenching, the sight of his best friend lying unconscious, fresh scars covering every part of his body, endless tubes and equipment and needles doing everything they can to keep the man alive. Seeing his best friend on his  _ deathbed. _ Sirius swore to himself that night he wouldn’t,  _ ever _ , let anyone so as to lay a finger on his Moony.

***

Remus thought that his first night in a  _ real _ bed after being stuck in literal hell for weeks, that he would get the best night's sleep from since he could remember. The reality was the complete opposite. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see his face, hear his voice, feel the shard tearing into his skin as if he were reliving the whole experience again.

He felt himself jolt upright, breathing heavy and panicked. He swung his legs round so his feet were on the floor and attempted to slow his breathing. He knew it wasn’t working as he could see his hands in his lap, shaking violently. He attempted to reach for the lavender oil sitting on his bedside table, slowly but surely uncapping the bottle and rubbing some of the scented oil onto his forearms. He focused on the scent, just like he had been told by his therapist. Lavender always seemed to soothe Remus, it made him feel relaxed, safe. 

Once he was able to take in his surroundings again, he got up and made his way to the bathroom, trying his best to be quiet so not to wake anyone else in the apartment. Once he shut the door behind him and locked it. He turned on the cold tap and splashed his face with water, he looked up at himself in the mirror, immediately regretting his decision. He felt his stomach churn as he saw them, they were unavoidable, on every last part of his body. The scars. Remus could feel his breakfast from earlier making his way back up and before he knew it he was leaning over the toilet, throwing up everything but his vital organs.

It was the first time he had seen them, at least the ones on his face. He had been attempting to avoid all reflective surfaces, aware of how he looked. These scars practically defined him now, shows how weak he was, pathetic, useless.

To anyone else these accusations would seem irrational, but to Remus, they were the truth. These were the words he had been called for years, by the person who had given the scars to him. It was the truth to him, the words that have been ingrained into his mind. He could also feel the way his clothes that used to fit him perfectly, now hung loose around his features, he basically drowned in his own clothes.

Remus really didn’t like himself. He hated himself. He was  _ disgusted _ by himself. It was his fault he was like this, he was deranged, never being able to take himself out of the abusive situation. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to sleep tonight, but he couldn’t just stare into the ceiling and drive himself mad.

He picked himself up off the bathroom floor and walked back down the hall, past Sirius’ room and into his own. He had half a mind to knock on Sirius’ door and ask to spend the night with him. He always felt safe with Sirius’ arms wrapped around him, the way Sirius would rest his head in the crook of his neck, he would be able to feel Sirius’ breath against his ear, the thought making him shiver. But Remus was not what Sirius needed right now, he didn’t need to babysit him, is what Remus kept telling himself. But for Sirius it couldn’t be further from the truth.

As Remus entered his room, he looked towards the back, where his keyboard lay, looking out the window. He has been able to play since he was very young, he found the feeling of his fingers drifting over the keys soothing, and without fail, it would always make him feel calm, he would be able to feel all tension release from his body.

He sat himself down onto the stool he hadn’t sat on in weeks. He reached for his notebook full of his sheet music, and opened it up to a new page. Writing songs has always been an escape for Remus, it helped him as a young boy, when his mother passed, or when his father started to become distant towards him. He would just close his eyes, and let his fingers glide over the keys, not giving a second thought but just letting his hands guide him.

He would record all of his songs on his second hand, worn down macbook. He never found the courage to actually post anything as he hated listening back to himself, so the thought of other people listening made him cringe. But what Remus couldn’t see was that he was talented. Extremely fucking talented. Listening to him play would always be angelic, as he sang along with the notes from the keyboard effortlessly.

He pressed record on his mac, took a deep breath, and let it all slip out.

He started pressing down on the keys gently, doing whatever felt right,  _ “So I never really knew you, God I really tried to,”  _ Remus thought back to when he first met Fenrir, charming, but closed off, didn’t give any information about himself. Just wanted to know about Remus. It seemed sweet at the time, but now he could see the red flags.

_ “Blindsided, addicted. Thought we could really do this, but really I was foolish.”  _ He remembers back to a time where he thought he  _ loved _ Fenrir, he thought Fenrir loved  _ him. _ But in reality he was just his toy, some fun to have at home, a personal punching bag.

_ “Hindsight it’s, obvious.”  _ Remus could see them now, all the warning signs jumping out at him, telling him to get the fuck out of there, but he was oblivious.

_ “Talking with my lawyer she said, ‘Where’d you find this guy?’ I said ‘Young people fall in love, with the wrong people sometimes.’”  _ Remus sees himself in the hospital, his first day breathing by himself, surrounded by nurses, police officers, and a lawyer that he certainly couldn’t pay for, but figured James had set him up with one of his. He knew the gesture was supposed to feel kind, but he felt like some sort of child, someone who always needed looking after. He remembers having to go through every little detail to her, the pain rippling through his chest as he fights back tears.

_ “Some mistakes get made, that’s alright, that’s okay,”  _ Remus was trying to reassure himself, make himself believe that it  _ wasn’t  _ his fault, but no matter how much he said it, he never really will believe it.

_ “You can think that you’re in love, when you’re really just in pain.” _ Remus can see back to the first time Fenrir hit him, he was shocked, but felt like he deserved it, like he was being punished for a reason. The way his friends didn’t believe him when he said he had just ‘ fell down the stairs’.

He let himself melt away into the keyboard, humming along with the tune, all the panic releasing out of his fingertips.

_ “It’s funny how a memory, turns into a bad dream” _ He can recall every single night spent in the hospital, all the times he would jump awake from seeing Fenrir in his dreams, in his nightmares.

_ “When running wild, turns volatile. Remember how we painted our house? Just like my grandparents did, so romantic but we fought the whole time.”  _ When Remus was eventually pressured to move in with Fenrir,  _ “Should have seen the signs, yeah”. _ He realises now that Fenrir didn’t have him move in because he  _ cared,  _ he had him move in so he could keep a close eye.

Remus let his fingers travel over the keys, stretching out the final notes. He could feel a drop of wetness fall to his hand, then onto the keys. His head fell into his hands, his shoulders shaking with quiet sobs, wanting to disappear from the world. That was until he felt a gentle hand to his shoulder, making him jump and slightly wince at the surprise contact. His head shot up out of his hands, his eyes making contact with another set, ones full of support, compassion, but the slight concern that still furrowed in his brow.

“ _ Fuck,  _ Pads, you scared me.” Remus let out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding, it was shaky, trembling. “I- I’m sorry, for waking you. I should’ve just went for a walk or something, fuck, what time is it?-” Remus’ rambling was cut off by Sirius pulling him up off the stool, clasping their hands together and leading him out of the room. 

Sirius led them into the living room where there were two large mugs of lavender and camomile tea resting on the coffee table, blankets covering almost the entirety of the sofa, the lights were dim, most of the light coming from the large flat screen TV, open on Netflix. Sirius turned to look at him, bringing his hands to Remus’ still damp cheeks, “I know when you’re not okay Re, you didn’t wake me, and I could practically smell the lavender oil from my room.” Remus was ready to shoot up his defences, but was stopped as Sirius started speaking again, “Your voice is still just like I remember it, beautiful. I know the signs Remus, you should’ve come to get me, I hate the thought of you having to go through another episode alone.” Sirius’ voice let out a small crack as he reached down for Remus’ hands, thumbs rubbing comforting circles on the back of them. “Promise me, Re, look at me,” Remus tore his attention away from their hands, and brought his eyes back up to stare into Sirius’ eyes, those silver eyes that when they crinkled along with his usual, shit-eating grin, sent shivers down Remus’ spine. “Promise me, that whenever you feel even the slightest bit panicked, you come straight in to see me?” Sirius’ voice leaked with concern, with worry, with hope. Remus gave him a small, apprehensive nod, but he felt his heart fill with pure fondness. He drew his attention back to the dimly lit room, Sirius had done all this for  _ him, _ he could see right through Remus, could see when he was ready to break down, when he reached the climax of whatever book he was reading, when he felt like he didn’t deserve to be loved.

Remus felt his stomach tingle as he thought about it, Sirius really did  _ care _ about him. He felt himself be pulled down onto the couch, swinging his feet up. Remus watched as Sirius flung his head on to Remus’ lap dramatically, “You can pick tonight, but we can’t watch The Office, Lily will break our femurs and ship us to Italy to be made into ravioli, Moons.” Remus let out a laugh, a  _ real _ laugh, something he hasn’t been able to do in months. He took a long sip of his tea, while threading his fingers through Sirius’ hair, “I don’t mind Pads, put on whatever you feel like, having you here just now is good enough for me.” Sirius turned his attention towards Remus, shooting him a fond, gentle smirk, “Anything for you, anything at all Re.”

By the end of the night, all that could be seen in the lounge were two emotionally drained boys, sleeping peacefully in a heap on the couch surrounded by mounds of blanket, TV still quietly playing in the background. James reached for the TV remote to switch it off, trying his best not to disrupt his sleeping friends, until Sirius stirs a little, and looks up to meet his eyes. James raised an amused eyebrow at him, causing Sirius to just roll his eyes and lay his head back down onto Remus’ lap. James let out a quiet chuckle as he pressed a gentle kiss to both boys' temples, before making his way back to his room with a warm feeling resting in his chest. They had their Moony home, he was safe, and James was determined to make sure it stays that way.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so soft for all of them, my heart just bursts.


	3. Lonely.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily helps Remus through a breakdown, and both Remus and Sirius come to a realisation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello loves! Thank you for all the kudos and comments, sorry for the long wait on the upload, school and writers block is a bitch but here we are! Once again remind me if you see any mistakes and if I missed any trigger warnings. <3
> 
> TW: Anxiety attacks, self esteem issues, mentions of abuse, blood.
> 
> Song lyrics are in italics, Song : Lonely by Noah Cyrus.

The next few weeks were rocky, unbearable at times. Sirius, Lily and James barely ever saw Remus, and if they did it was either on his once a day trip to a bathroom, or when he left for therapy. Lily was worried. She knew he was breathing, but it was like he wasn’t really living, like he was just a walking corpse. She knew therapy had been helping at least when Remus had started actually looking them in the eyes. But she couldn’t help but feel concerned for her best friend. Her heart breaks every time she sees him, the look of fear now embedded into his eyes, he had been trying to hold up the whole, ‘I’m fine, honestly, just tired.’ facade. They could now clearly see the slight twitch in his movements, his paranoia whenever someone taps him to bring him out of a daydream, the screams of terror during the night that quickly turned into sobs.

“Re love, are you in there?” Remus sat in the corner of the shower, hugging his knees to his chest. Showers were now one of Remus’ least favourite activities, it was the place where his whole body was exposed, he could see each and every little scar and torn flesh that cascaded over him. He let out a choked sob against his arms as his tears ran with the water down his face. “Remus? Can I come in angel?” Lily pressed further for an answer, but all Remus could reply with were broken cries, clenching his eyes shut, so as to not catch any glances of his torn up skin. “I’m coming in.” Her voice was stern, but reassuring, Remus could hear the door creak open, but he didn’t look up, he was too caught up in the thoughts, the words, the images taking up his mind. He felt the steaming water stop battering down onto his skin, replaced with a warm towel, and a hand wiping the mixture of tears and water away from his eyes. “It’s going to be okay Re, you’re safe now, he can’t hurt you, we won’t let him, _I_ won’t let him.” She sat down next to Remus, not caring about getting wet, that was the least of her worries at this moment and time. Remus felt him collapse into Lily’s side, body shaking as the sobs became louder, desperate cries, “It’s- I, Lily- I,” He tried to muster out whatever words he could through his shaky breathing and speeding heart rate. “Shh, Remus, breathe for me love, breathe.” She attempted to guide his breathing, but nothing seemed to be calming him down. He was shaking violently against Lily, heart beating out of his chest. Remus often got like this, but this is the worst it’s been in a long time. “Lily- It’s,” Remus this time, attempted to slow his breathing on his own, not for his own good, but just so he could get out the words that have been on his mind for far too long, “I can’t do this Lily, I can’t be here anymore, I just can’t, I can’t breathe anymore.” Lily felt as though someone had shot her in the chest, she listened to the way his voice cracked, it was quiet and hushed, like he was giving up. “No, Remus, listen to me. You cannot let him win, this is what he wants, Re. You are amazing, and loved, you have so much more to live for than he has.” Lily’s voice was soft, but stern enough to get her point through to Remus. It took a few minutes, but eventually he was able to return his breathing to a normal pace, guilt immediately taking over his body. “God, Lils, I’m sorry. This is so fucking stupid, I don’t know why I even feel this way, I have all of you but-” Remus was stopped by Lily pressing her forehead against his, “Remus, It’s not your fault, you have been through so much shit, so, so much shit. You can’t help how you feel love, and that is entirely okay. You just need to be sure you don’t just keep it bottled up inside, we’re here to help, okay?” She closed her eyes to stop herself from crying, she hated how anyone could ever hurt the shy boy infront of her. Remus just nodded his head against Lily’s, wrapping her in a hug, “Thank you, I- just, thank you.” His voice was barely audible, but Lily heard him loud and clear. 

After the incident in the shower, Remus had been a lot more open about his feelings, at least towards Lily. Of course he still had those days, more often than not, but he was making progress, and that was all anyone could ask. He found himself in the company of his friends more often, going out for lunch or just spending time at the library with Lily, playing video games with Peter, or James desperately attempting to teach Remus to cook (deemed a success whenever there wasn’t a fire started). Things weren’t ‘awkward’ between him and Sirius, they weren’t even tense, but every time Remus felt his skin touch Sirius’ he felt his stomach flutter, heat would rise to his cheeks. It wasn’t that Remus wasn’t used to affection, the case was the opposite in fact. Being best friends with James Potter since the age of 11 meant he was more than used to platonic cuddles, kisses and just contact in general. But when James would throw himself on Remus’ lap he didn’t find his breath catch in his throat or his heart rate increase. But whenever Sirius would lay his head in Remus’ lap, and Remus would run his fingers through Sirius’ hair, he can’t help his cheeks turning a bright shade of red. Whenever the group would go out for dinner, watch a movie, or even just spend some time at James and Lily’s apartment, Remus would catch Sirius’ eyes at times, causing the other boy to let a small smile slip across his face and immediately attempt to join back in to the conversation, more often than not leaving Remus a flustered mess. 

Tonight would be the first time in at least a week him and Sirius had spent time together alone, it was growing closer and closer to winter, and London at this time was constantly under clouds of rain and gale force winds. James had told Remus he and Lily were going on a date night earlier that day, so he had free rein of the house. Even though some days Remus liked to lock himself away in his room, away from all forms of reality, under the covers of his bed, he still couldn’t be left alone. His anxiety and PTSD always gets the better of him, exhausting him. About a month after moving in with James and Lily, Remus had woken up to an empty house, making him question every little sound that came from every direction. He found himself running from room to room, checking every time he heard a creek, or wind whistling through the windows, until eventually he found himself lying on the floor of his closet hyperventilating. That night when James had come home and found him passed out, his forearms red from where Remus had been scratching during his attack, and cheeks still stained with tears. They hadn’t left Remus’ side since then.

He and Sirius decided it would be best to just stay in, have a movie night and get some takeout, the pairs favourite thing to do on a saturday night. Sirius had picked up pizza on his way there whilst Remus had laid out snacks and blankets in the lounge. “So, what would Messr. Moony like to feast his eyes on tonight?” Sirius made his way over onto the couch, dramatically flopping down next to Remus with a relieved sigh, “I’ve been craving some good Patrick Swayze in tight clothes.” Remus chuckled with an all knowing smirk at Sirius, “Dirty Dancing it is! Excellent choice as always Moonshine.” He watched as Sirius got up to get the remote on the TV stand, before making his way back over to Remus, falling back down, but this time laying his head in the taller boy's lap, just like he always does. Remus felt himself flinch slightly, but relax as Sirius traced comforting patterns on his legs. Remus could’ve swore he felt his stomach to somersaults at the touch. It didn’t help that Sirius looked so fucking perfect every second of the day, his hair always soft and wavy, falling to his shoulders, his muscular shape and the tattoos that lined almost every inch of his body. Tonight though he was clad in grey sweatpants that seemed far too big to be his own, and a rolling stones t-shirt that had been cropped, exposing his abdomen. Remus could feel the heat starting to rise to his cheeks, but just started playing and braiding Sirius’ hair out of instinct. “I can’t believe we haven’t had a night like this in a while.” Sirius turned his head to look at Remus, icy, grey eyes meeting the other warm, amber ones, “Yeah, I’ve missed you, it’s weird, you know, after living with each other for 7 years of our lives, to then all go our separate ways.” Sirius had a little hint of sadness to his tone, but mostly reminiscent. “You say that is if you don’t stay here every other fucking day, Pads.” Remus laughed as Sirius swatted at Remus’ leg, “Oh ha, ha, you know what I meant you dick.” Sirius glared at Remus, but it was all playful, no malice or spite in his expression to be found. Remus swore he could’ve kissed Sirius there and then, but he didn’t want to fuck up one of the only good and stable things in his life. Sometimes he felt as though he was so alone, he knew he had all his friends there for him and a great support system, but it was all just a bit fucked in his head really. 

“Hey Re, you good?” Sirius’ voice snaps Remus out of his daydream and realises he had just been staring at Sirius this whole time. “Oh- yeah, sorry, just, zoned out a bit.” He could feel the blood rushing back up to his face in embarrassment, he felt himself trying to hide his face in his hands before he felt them being brought down by another set of soft, gentle hands, “Don’t be sorry. If anything, I’m sorry I’ve not been here more often.” Sirius had a slight tremble in his voice, almost as if he was nervous. Sirius Black? Nervous? “I don’t blame you, you know? About anything. I know you care, Sirius, I know. That’s all that matters, yeah?” Remus brought his eyes up to meet the other mans, “Thank you, for coming tonight. Really. I don’t think you realise how much it means to me.” Remus gave Sirius a gentle smile, rubbing circles on the back of his hands. “Anything, anything at all Re. I mean it, if you need anything please call me. Promise?” Sirius offers Remus a pinky, a smirk making an appearance on Sirius’ features. “Oh my god, what the fuck are you, five?” Remus lets out a loud chuckle, the last time Remus made a pinky promise must’ve been back in school, when all the boys were up to no good, “Do it, make The Unbreakable Vow, Moons.” Sirius’ grin just grows wider, raising a challenging eyebrow. ‘The Unbreakable Vow’, Remus remembers how all the boys would make vows to each other, but he can’t think back to one time that any single one of the boys had broken a promise, even to this day. Remus just lets himself laugh more at the boy's expression.

“You can’t be serious right now.”

“I’m always Sirius.”

“Oh, fuck you.” Sirius still has his hand raised, not backing down. Remus lets all the old memories fill his mind and before he knows it, his pinky finger is interlocked with Sirius’, “See? That wasn’t so hard.” They sit like that for what could be a couple minutes, or a couple hours, neither really knew, or cared, but eventually Remus could feel his eyelids getting heavier by the second and is in desperate need of his bed and a cup of tea.

As Remus makes his way to his room, he heads into Sirius’ room to say goodnight, but finds his friend already sleeping facing away from the doorway. He walks over and puts the glass of water he got for him down on the dressing table and lets a smile slip across his face as he leaves for his own room.

Remus Lupin was utterly, and hopelessly in love with Sirius Black.

***

As Sirius heard his door shut close, he sat back up and pulled out his drawing pad from his bedside table, he looked up to see the fresh glass of water that had been placed just seconds ago.

Sirius couldn’t seem to wrap his head around why he felt the way he did. Anything Remus said to him would make his heart rate pick up drastically. Anytime Remus would play with his hair when he lay in his lap, which Sirius found himself doing more often than not nowadays, would make him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

He opened up his sketchpad to the page previously left unfinished, a side profile sketch. More specifically, of Remus. Whenever Sirius felt like he couldn’t handle all the emotions boiling up inside him, he draws. He did this back in school, when he got a letter from his beloved mother, he would throw all his emotions onto a single page rather than talk about them.

Sirius has never been great at handling his emotions, he always liked to put on a facade of confidence and nonchalance, and it would usually work. But there was one person who could see right through him, and who else would that be than James Potter. James had always been like a brother to Sirius, he was always welcome at the Potters. So much so that if someone were to ask about Sirius’ parents or family, he would immediately, without hesitation talk about the Potters.

When Sirius had just turned 16 he received a brutal beating from his parents after they found out he was gay, that night he just left. Didn’t pack a bag, take anything with him, just left. He didn’t even think, just let his feet carry him until he landed on the Potters doorstep. He thought it was a long shot, anyone even answering the door seeing as most people liked to sleep at 4am. But as soon as Sirius had knocked the door, a light was on through the window, and none other than James Potter had been standing there, smiling, that was until he saw Sirius. Sirius didn’t even realise he was bleeding until he looked down and saw his hands shaking. That night on the doorstep he had fallen into James’ arms and finally let out his emotions, this was the one and only night Sirius had done so.

Ever since then Sirius knew to never try and hide something from James, because he would always find out in the end. But what he feels right now? He hasn’t told anyone, not even himself. But as the night goes on, and he’s just about to fall asleep, he mutters something just audible enough for himself.

“Oh for fucks sake. I’m in love with Remus fucking Lupin.”

***

That morning when Remus woke up, he looked over to his bedside table to find a fresh cup of lavender tea, and a note.

_Thanks for the water last night, sorry I couldn’t say bye to you this morning, had to finish some work for a client. Hope the tea makes up for it. :)_

_-Pads xo_

All Remus could do at that moment was smile down at the note and put it in his sweater pocket. As nice as the gesture was, Remus couldn’t help but feel upset that Sirius was gone. Remus glanced over to the window, where the keyboard sat. He knew he had to let out the feelings he was holding in, even if that meant just to let it out to a shitty old macbook.

He sat himself down on the stool and set up everything as usual, and before he knew it, his fingers were already sliding over keys, letting out gentle harmonies.

_“I’m slowly killing myself,”_ Remus knows letting his feelings bottle up inside is a bad idea, it never ends well, and he has scars to show for it.

_“I’m trying so hard at the back of the shelf, it’s just the same everyday.”_ He is trying to make himself better, he really is, but everytime he thinks about what happened he always comes back to the conclusion that what happened was _his_ fault.

_“I’m writing these songs that will never get played,”_ Remus has a talent, anyone could see that, or even, hear it. But he will never see it, he just lets all these beautiful songs stay on his laptop, never to be heard by anyone else.

_“I get told what’s wrong and what’s right,”_ He’s been going to therapy since he can remember, being told that it was _wrong_ to self harm, that he needed better ways to cope. It wasn’t his fault, but his father would always make it feel like it was.

_“I don’t have a romantic life,”_ Remus has never felt _real_ love, not since his mother anyways. He knows that his friends love him, but he has a hard time accepting it, especially now after the way Greyback treated him.

_“And everyone’s dying, so i keep on trying, to make them proud before they’re gone.”_ He’s always struggled with accepting his mum's death, and his father's neglect towards him makes it even harder for him. He always tries to honour his mum, make her proud. She always thought Remus had a beautiful voice, and he holds onto that, he sings to feel closer to her.

_“Oh, can’t someone help me, oh, please someone help me.”_ He feels more alone than ever. He knows that his friends are right there, but they have their own lives, they can’t go running around for him 24/7. He wishes someone would just be able to pluck him out of his mindset and make him _happy_ again.

_“I don’t care anyone, anything, ‘cause I’m so sick of being so lonely”_ He just wishes that there was something, someone, who would be able to care for him. But who would ever want to have _him?_ He’s broken, jaded, unloveable. 

_“Miss all my family.”_ He wishes he could go back in time, treasure the love that he had, whilst he had it.

_“Oh, I don’t care anyone, anything, ‘cause I’m so sick of being so lonely.”_

_“I’m spending more than I earn”_ Remus has always struggled on the financial side of life, his family never was very well off, he is short on money, even more so now paying for extensive therapy and his medication. James and Lily always try to help him in every way they can, but he will never take money from anyone, he’s not a charity case. He knows his friends don’t feel that way, but Remus himself can’t help but see it that way.

_“Drink all the time to forget I’m not him.”_ Remus has seen Sirius’ many boyfriends over the years, but he can’t help to feel jealous over the other men that get to be with him, show him affection. He wishes so badly that it could be him.

_“Cause I go to parties sometimes, and I’ll kiss a boy and pretend for the night.”_ His friends have always been big party animals, which of course means he’s been to his fair few. He would sometimes see Sirius flirting at these parties, but it never seemed to be with him, so Remus would just try and forget in whichever way he can, he’s not proud of it, but it helped at the time.

_“Cause I don’t know much about me, I’m still ashamed of who I used to be.”_ ‘It’s not your fault’ they would always tell him, but no matter how much he heard it, he would never believe it. It’s his fault he ended up like this, it’s his fault that no one will love him, even the one boy he wants to be loved by most.

_“So I try way too hard, but I still miss the mark to fit in, fit in, oh.”_ In school Remus tried his hardest to stay out of trouble, never bringing any attention to himself, but as soon as he met Pete, James and Sirius, that plan went right down the drain. But now when he walks around with his friends, all eyes in the street are on _him,_ on his _scars._ He hates them, they make him physically sick, whenever he goes out he does his best to hide them with his oversized sweaters and whatnot. But the few on his face, especially the one running from below his left eye, right across his nose to the right side of his jaw is unavoidable.

_“Help me.”_

_“Oh, please someone help me.”_

_“I don’t care anyone, anything ‘cause I’m so sick of being so lonely.”_

_“I miss all my family.”_

_“God, I don’t care, anyone, anything ‘cause I’m so sick of being so lonely.”_

_“I don’t care anyone, anything, anything ‘cause I’m so sick of being so lonely.”_

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, follow me on Tumblr for more content and updates! [ reemusluupin ]


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